New Years Eve

One year has come and gone. I did ok for most of the day, keeping myself busy and stayed around loved ones that I felt needed my support more than I needed theirs. As I said before, I feel the need to continue to not show my emotions. I want to show everyone that it’s ok to come to me if they need a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. I am here for support. I am fully aware that “bottling up my emotions,” is not best. Fully aware. However, going back to the whole, “being strong for my brother and sister and showing them that if I’m ok then they will be ok,” aspect is that everyone that’s been apart of this journey has told me they feel for me most. My broken heart. But like my brother and sister, I am showing others that if they feel for me the most, and see how “well,” I’m doing, then I feel the need to be strong for them. At the end of that night though, I allowed myself to go down that hole. I’ve avoided that hole constantly and sometimes has slipped a little but always managed...

From the very beginning, I always had this feeling. I would catch myself thinking, "Do not take this time with them for granted." I could not tell you why I thought this. The thoughts would come in random moments. Random, but they always came. I always made it a point to hug each before bed. Once for a little with my arms above. And once for a little with my arms below. I just KNEW to not take any of our days for granted. And I never did.

It has almost been a year. I often wonder how I am going to feel that particular day. If it is the correct feeling mostly. Since then, I have felt mostly numbness. I have always had the character of going with the flow but now even more so. I feel that I have less fear. Maybe I am confusing it with strength. I have always thought to myself that until I have my own children that I will live my life for my sister and brother. If they need a lung, I'll give them one. If they need a kidney, I'll give them one. I feel that is my sole responsibility being here. So with that, maybe this numbness is my subconscious telling me that I need to show strength. Not so much as a macho kind but more of a, "Watch. See me? I am ok. So since I am ok, you will be ok too," kind of vibe. It is just that numbness is so very very prominent. I just don't know what to do with it. I do not know what it wants. But I suppose that is the point of it. To not feel. To just.. carry...