Come and Gone

One year has come and gone. I did ok for most of the day, keeping myself busy and stayed around loved ones that I felt needed my support more than I needed theirs. As I said before, I feel the need to continue to not show my emotions. I want to show everyone that it’s ok to come to me if they need a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. I am here for support. I am fully aware that “bottling up my emotions,” is not best. Fully aware. However, going back to the whole, “being strong for my brother and sister and showing them that if I’m ok then they will be ok,” aspect is that everyone that’s been apart of this journey has told me they feel for me most. My broken heart. But like my brother and sister, I am showing others that if they feel for me the most, and see how “well,” I’m doing, then I feel the need to be strong for them.

At the end of that night though, I allowed myself to go down that hole. I’ve avoided that hole constantly and sometimes has slipped a little but always managed to get out. But the other night, the one year, I just let myself go. Went through memories in my head and pictures I could find.

I. Let. Go.

I cried hard. But only for a little.

My heart is completely broken because my best friend, my best fucking friend, is gone. This isn’t some high school love or only being one sided or cloud minded. I am aware of my state of mind and not making excuses. They were all.


It is truly truly unfair that they are gone. Truly unfair. In the stages of grief, I’m damn near still at the first stage because I can not believe that it is true.

Could I find it again? Sure. Why not.  I always say that anything is possible. But I feel myself not feeling much anymore. Like I said before, numb.


In the end, I forgive them. I’ve thought this over and over again. In simplest term, I believe that they just lost their way. There is no doubt, what so fucking ever, that they loved me wholeheartedly. I have the memories to prove it, the stories to prove it, the letters to prove it and the people around to prove it.


They simply just lost their way. We all do at one point or another. Some bigger than others.

I’m continuing on, like I have been, in the only way I know how. To be honest I don’t even know how to do so. I’m just going with the flow. Whatever happens will happen. Just continuing to make myself and others happy.

I’ll always continue to love and miss you babes.