What If
The past couple of months have been so interesting to me. As I continue to move on, I find myself getting more and more accepting of what has happened. And I feel completely guilty of it. How can I say that he was the love of my life, my best friend and that I’m “ok” with it now?
There is no doubt in my mind that I will always grieve him. I can talk about him with most people pretty comfortably and be ok with it. Because I would want his memory to live on. I mean we were together for nearly 6 years. Together with me and my family, living in our home. We all have memories. But then there are times where I can barely think of him and I fall to pieces. I just find it interesting how in one moment I am ok with it and the next I can’t bare the thought. Is this part of grieving? They say everyone grieves differently.
I just find my situation so unique. I am the girl that was at his side for so long. Every knew who we were as a couple. Then a year after we split he is gone. What kind of position am I in? Not a grieving widow. But kind of? I want to say I knew him best. I really do. But even then he was a secretive person. He hid his feelings very well. There were times that he would let go. And I would let him. Just to be vulnerable for a moment. That’s all he wanted and needed.
Today is the day before his 2nd anniversary. At work there was some certain “coincidences” that came about to me. Were they a sign? Or is it in my head? A customers name on a order first started with “Quin” and this show I watch every night came up with the name “Robles.” Or certain songs on shuffle. I try not to think of it.
I thought about what I would do tomorrow. If I would go to work. Last year I was out with his family at Lake Tahoe. Away from my family. That’s how I wanted it to be this year. To grieve in solitude. But this virus is preventing us. But I continue to tell myself that I need to stay busy. To keep my mind off of it. Will I feel guilty if I smile tomorrow? If I laugh? Yes. Simple and a hard yes. Should I? Who is to really decide that but myself. I understand that I need to move on with MY life. And that I can not feel guilting about anything good that happens to me tomorrow. I CAN NOT feel bad. I will continue to say that. But that does not mean that I have not forgotten him. It does not mean that I have forgotten him in that moment of brief happiness. I just know that I am my only judge in this very unique situation right now. I only judge myself and am the only one fighting myself. But I’ll be ok.
But as of recently, my nephew was born. It was right then that the priories in my head shifted. It’s hard to explain. It’s not that my main focus but more of like my main thought was always of him. Like it was a underlying thought every day. Every time I get into my get into my car and drive down the empty roads at 4 in the morning. I will sing certain songs that really bring out my voice for him. I wish I had shown him. I have never shown anyone. Just my car knows. But every morning when I’m driving to work, I will sing those songs. Showing my vulnerability; my deepest secret to him.
Now that my nephew is born, my main focus is on him. Thoughts I have not met him yet, my life is completely devoted to him now. It’s interesting how I had so much love for one person who I spent a long time with, and to now be shifted to someone else in a blink of an eye who I have never met.
Either way, I am constantly thinking of him. I am in my own thoughts constantly and wondering if he is “watching,” me. Then I laugh in the inside cause it’s silly. Some sort of supernatural presence? Pft. I laugh because I am so practical without trying to be. I know what is real and what isn’t for the most part. Yet I still have that little tickle at the back of mine of.. what if?
Tomorrow will be an interesting day. I will keep to myself and continue on and stay busy and or if not then just sleep. The next day will be the same I am sure. He passed late at night, so I am sure everyone will be getting reminders on Facebook the day after. I just want to be alone and have no acknowledgment towards me about him. I can talk about him almost anytime of the year just fine. But not on those days. None. But unfortunately I will be a bitch or throw attitude towards my family if they try. I can not tell them to not bring it up. I can’t say the words. I feel the words are weakness of him. I feel they should just figure it out and know that I don’t want to talk about it. It is completely unfair. I know. I am totally aware. But I can’t go about it any other way. I just can’t. It’s selfish of me. Oh well. So be it.
So tomorrow I will just stay busy with work with as long as I can. But I will continue to shuffle through music and find songs with certain lyrics that can better explain how I feel more than I can express. Along with quotes that I find from time to time. I should make a post dedicated to that. Just quotes.
I will forever grieve him. I want to say that I don’t think I’ll find another like him. He was equal parts of every characteristic and had the same twisted humor I have that most people would never accept. But that would be unfair to say. I don’t know who is out there. All I can say for now in this moment, that I miss him. I miss talking to him. Laying next to him Stressing with him. Eating with him. Traveling with him. Worrying with him. Laughing with him. Kissing him. I miss his comfort.
I miss my best friend.
I wish you were here.
I knew from the very beginning in a weird way, to never take for granted the time I would have with you. It was such a strong feeling. So, I never did.
I love you.
There is no doubt in my mind that I will always grieve him. I can talk about him with most people pretty comfortably and be ok with it. Because I would want his memory to live on. I mean we were together for nearly 6 years. Together with me and my family, living in our home. We all have memories. But then there are times where I can barely think of him and I fall to pieces. I just find it interesting how in one moment I am ok with it and the next I can’t bare the thought. Is this part of grieving? They say everyone grieves differently.
I just find my situation so unique. I am the girl that was at his side for so long. Every knew who we were as a couple. Then a year after we split he is gone. What kind of position am I in? Not a grieving widow. But kind of? I want to say I knew him best. I really do. But even then he was a secretive person. He hid his feelings very well. There were times that he would let go. And I would let him. Just to be vulnerable for a moment. That’s all he wanted and needed.
Today is the day before his 2nd anniversary. At work there was some certain “coincidences” that came about to me. Were they a sign? Or is it in my head? A customers name on a order first started with “Quin” and this show I watch every night came up with the name “Robles.” Or certain songs on shuffle. I try not to think of it.
I thought about what I would do tomorrow. If I would go to work. Last year I was out with his family at Lake Tahoe. Away from my family. That’s how I wanted it to be this year. To grieve in solitude. But this virus is preventing us. But I continue to tell myself that I need to stay busy. To keep my mind off of it. Will I feel guilty if I smile tomorrow? If I laugh? Yes. Simple and a hard yes. Should I? Who is to really decide that but myself. I understand that I need to move on with MY life. And that I can not feel guilting about anything good that happens to me tomorrow. I CAN NOT feel bad. I will continue to say that. But that does not mean that I have not forgotten him. It does not mean that I have forgotten him in that moment of brief happiness. I just know that I am my only judge in this very unique situation right now. I only judge myself and am the only one fighting myself. But I’ll be ok.
But as of recently, my nephew was born. It was right then that the priories in my head shifted. It’s hard to explain. It’s not that my main focus but more of like my main thought was always of him. Like it was a underlying thought every day. Every time I get into my get into my car and drive down the empty roads at 4 in the morning. I will sing certain songs that really bring out my voice for him. I wish I had shown him. I have never shown anyone. Just my car knows. But every morning when I’m driving to work, I will sing those songs. Showing my vulnerability; my deepest secret to him.
Now that my nephew is born, my main focus is on him. Thoughts I have not met him yet, my life is completely devoted to him now. It’s interesting how I had so much love for one person who I spent a long time with, and to now be shifted to someone else in a blink of an eye who I have never met.
Either way, I am constantly thinking of him. I am in my own thoughts constantly and wondering if he is “watching,” me. Then I laugh in the inside cause it’s silly. Some sort of supernatural presence? Pft. I laugh because I am so practical without trying to be. I know what is real and what isn’t for the most part. Yet I still have that little tickle at the back of mine of.. what if?
Tomorrow will be an interesting day. I will keep to myself and continue on and stay busy and or if not then just sleep. The next day will be the same I am sure. He passed late at night, so I am sure everyone will be getting reminders on Facebook the day after. I just want to be alone and have no acknowledgment towards me about him. I can talk about him almost anytime of the year just fine. But not on those days. None. But unfortunately I will be a bitch or throw attitude towards my family if they try. I can not tell them to not bring it up. I can’t say the words. I feel the words are weakness of him. I feel they should just figure it out and know that I don’t want to talk about it. It is completely unfair. I know. I am totally aware. But I can’t go about it any other way. I just can’t. It’s selfish of me. Oh well. So be it.
So tomorrow I will just stay busy with work with as long as I can. But I will continue to shuffle through music and find songs with certain lyrics that can better explain how I feel more than I can express. Along with quotes that I find from time to time. I should make a post dedicated to that. Just quotes.
I will forever grieve him. I want to say that I don’t think I’ll find another like him. He was equal parts of every characteristic and had the same twisted humor I have that most people would never accept. But that would be unfair to say. I don’t know who is out there. All I can say for now in this moment, that I miss him. I miss talking to him. Laying next to him Stressing with him. Eating with him. Traveling with him. Worrying with him. Laughing with him. Kissing him. I miss his comfort.
I miss my best friend.
I wish you were here.
I knew from the very beginning in a weird way, to never take for granted the time I would have with you. It was such a strong feeling. So, I never did.
I love you.
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