On the Mend
Recently I have taken notice that I am starting to be home a lot more. I find myself exhausted and starting to slow down. Almost 3 years ago is when I went through the hardest splits in my life. The one prior to that was pretty rough as well. I tend to find myself become secluded for the first couple of months. I try to keep busy with work and ask for more hours. Or I would lie, say that I do not feel good and stay in my room and sleep. I would sleep so much because if I was asleep then I would not feel any pain.
I felt myself starting to get better when he passed. That was a whole other start of emotions that I had never felt before. And again, I wanted to keep moving. So I would travel out of state, fly, take road trips what have you. After work I would go to friends houses whether it was in town or out of town, and just visit for hours. I would not come home till there was just enough time for me to shower and sleep. I would work 8 hour shifts at work and be home for only 5-6 hours. I did not want my family at home to ask questions so I would hope that they would be asleep by the time I would get home. I was fully aware of how incredibly selfish that was and is. I lost someone that I loved more than anything. So time should be on my mind and spending it with the ones I care about the most. But instead I ran away. It was all just too personal. I would have rather been with my friends than my family.
Now however, I find myself being home a lot more often. Even my friends who have my location, have asked why. I am just simply tired. I had lost time for myself. Time for my mind to rest and get back into a norm that I almost had from trying to build it back up from a year of pain. And I am enjoying it. However I am missing and have the urge to always do something almost every day. I don't want to miss anything. My mother had told me that I never slept in the car when I was a kid. I was always awake. And even to this day I am the same. Usually the one driving. It is cause I do not want to miss a thing. And in that sense I have thought about if anyone were to ask me if I fear death. I would say yes. Not because of the unknown of the beyond and possibly pain. It is because I have major FOMO and I can just imagine on where mankind will be in 20 years, let alone 10. If you think how far we have come in just 100 years, it is simply amazing.
I have also thought about, which is quite often, my personal "love life," and how it has gone. I am aware that I have not been with someone romantically in 3 years. But how could I be when what I had was everything I wanted. It is unbelievably hard to find someone else that you can connect with. Then again, I am not looking. I haven't been. I enjoy my time with my friends and focus on myself. I can not even say that I am honestly focusing on myself because I am simply in the same spot for the past 10 years. Perhaps this is just the way that it is for me and that I have more time than ever to find my happiness again. My best friend is always trying to get me to relax whether it is through drinking or smoking. And every time I get to a certain level of doing either she always expresses how happy she is to see my happy. And I always wonder, do I really show it on my physical self that much? But then I remind myself that she is my best friend and I tell her far more than anyone else.
But as far as finding someone else, if it happens then it will happen. I went out of state to visit my other best friend and downloaded a dating app on my phone for the first time. As the days went on I did get quite a few matches but I did not talk to any of them. I think I was satisfied enough to have the attention from them. I just do not like the fact of going through a catalog essential and meeting someone. I would much rather go about it in person. Then again, myself coming back into the dating world is completely different than what it was just 10 plus years again when I was in the game. So maybe I need to change my ways and get with the time. I probably will, but it will not happen until I move out from my parents place. That is a guarantee.
I also keep having these dreams with meanings of how my "life is about to change,' and in a weird way I kind of believe it. Well I hope for it.
I am about to turn 30 in 2020. I can say that I am beyond ready for it. My 20's were very hard on me but I can't say that it wasn't fun. at 21 was my first break up of 8 years. Then 27 another break up of almost 6 years. Then 28 the loss of him.
I am ready for a change more than ever.
I felt myself starting to get better when he passed. That was a whole other start of emotions that I had never felt before. And again, I wanted to keep moving. So I would travel out of state, fly, take road trips what have you. After work I would go to friends houses whether it was in town or out of town, and just visit for hours. I would not come home till there was just enough time for me to shower and sleep. I would work 8 hour shifts at work and be home for only 5-6 hours. I did not want my family at home to ask questions so I would hope that they would be asleep by the time I would get home. I was fully aware of how incredibly selfish that was and is. I lost someone that I loved more than anything. So time should be on my mind and spending it with the ones I care about the most. But instead I ran away. It was all just too personal. I would have rather been with my friends than my family.
Now however, I find myself being home a lot more often. Even my friends who have my location, have asked why. I am just simply tired. I had lost time for myself. Time for my mind to rest and get back into a norm that I almost had from trying to build it back up from a year of pain. And I am enjoying it. However I am missing and have the urge to always do something almost every day. I don't want to miss anything. My mother had told me that I never slept in the car when I was a kid. I was always awake. And even to this day I am the same. Usually the one driving. It is cause I do not want to miss a thing. And in that sense I have thought about if anyone were to ask me if I fear death. I would say yes. Not because of the unknown of the beyond and possibly pain. It is because I have major FOMO and I can just imagine on where mankind will be in 20 years, let alone 10. If you think how far we have come in just 100 years, it is simply amazing.
I have also thought about, which is quite often, my personal "love life," and how it has gone. I am aware that I have not been with someone romantically in 3 years. But how could I be when what I had was everything I wanted. It is unbelievably hard to find someone else that you can connect with. Then again, I am not looking. I haven't been. I enjoy my time with my friends and focus on myself. I can not even say that I am honestly focusing on myself because I am simply in the same spot for the past 10 years. Perhaps this is just the way that it is for me and that I have more time than ever to find my happiness again. My best friend is always trying to get me to relax whether it is through drinking or smoking. And every time I get to a certain level of doing either she always expresses how happy she is to see my happy. And I always wonder, do I really show it on my physical self that much? But then I remind myself that she is my best friend and I tell her far more than anyone else.
But as far as finding someone else, if it happens then it will happen. I went out of state to visit my other best friend and downloaded a dating app on my phone for the first time. As the days went on I did get quite a few matches but I did not talk to any of them. I think I was satisfied enough to have the attention from them. I just do not like the fact of going through a catalog essential and meeting someone. I would much rather go about it in person. Then again, myself coming back into the dating world is completely different than what it was just 10 plus years again when I was in the game. So maybe I need to change my ways and get with the time. I probably will, but it will not happen until I move out from my parents place. That is a guarantee.
I also keep having these dreams with meanings of how my "life is about to change,' and in a weird way I kind of believe it. Well I hope for it.
I am about to turn 30 in 2020. I can say that I am beyond ready for it. My 20's were very hard on me but I can't say that it wasn't fun. at 21 was my first break up of 8 years. Then 27 another break up of almost 6 years. Then 28 the loss of him.
I am ready for a change more than ever.
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