New Years Eve

To be honest, I have been dreading to put this in black and white. These memories and thoughts have been running constantly in my mind over and randomly. "My heart is begging me to get the hell out of my head. I am gonna live in the upside down." It weighs me down. After we fell apart, I had about a week of severe depression I suppose. I was not eating, barely drinking any water and not seeing anyone. I went to work, did what I had to do for those 6 hours and came right home to my bed. No one knew of what happened and that is because I did not want anyone to know. I consider myself a pretty private person, especially when it came to him. Soon after I came out of my shell a little more and started to socialize with my friends. Keeping busy to keep my mind off of it. This fall out was different from the first one. The first one, it took me a few months to over come the grief. I thought I was in love. This time around, was so, so different. A year goes by and I still was d...

Another person has told me, “It’s a blessing that you two weren’t together when they passed. That’s Gods will.” As I try and process those words carefully, I can’t help but to think that that is selfish to say. You’re essentially saying, “Thank God you weren’t with them cause that would have been so much more painful.” And they are right, it would have been. And I’ve always said that things would have been handled differently if we were still together. Yes there would have been more obstacles as far as their moms side of the family. The secrets and unanswered questions. The trouble of trying to instantly figure out where I should lie and tell the truth. Or the what if I told the lies and they pass then I’m stuck with having to tell the truth after the fact. But none of that mattered. I just continued on and answered questions as vaguely as possible. Their mom asked if I would drive her home. Her house was just down the street from mom and her brother lived in the opposite direction. ...

”That’s what I miss the most. It’s the little idiosyncrasies that I only know about.” “People call these things imperfections, but they are not. They are the good stuff. And then we get to choose who we get to let in into our weird little worlds.” I remember a particular phone call we had. At the end of the phone conversation I told them, “I just wanted to let you know, that you really are my best friend.” They cried and said ok bye. Then we hung up.  It’s one thing to hang a set a friends that you hang out with. So say for example I have a friend that I call my best friend. I tell them some of my secrets or thoughts. Things I wouldn’t just tell a friend. But mostly I am able to be myself completely around them. With the goof offs and the bullshit. The ability to be free. I believe that your significant other should be just that. There shouldn’t be any hiding of doing this or doing that. Order should be equal. I’m not talking about some feminist bullshit or any of that. Str...