Blessing in Disguise

Another person has told me, “It’s a blessing that you two weren’t together when they passed. That’s Gods will.” As I try and process those words carefully, I can’t help but to think that that is selfish to say. You’re essentially saying, “Thank God you weren’t with them cause that would have been so much more painful.” And they are right, it would have been. And I’ve always said that things would have been handled differently if we were still together. Yes there would have been more obstacles as far as their moms side of the family. The secrets and unanswered questions. The trouble of trying to instantly figure out where I should lie and tell the truth. Or the what if I told the lies and they pass then I’m stuck with having to tell the truth after the fact. But none of that mattered. I just continued on and answered questions as vaguely as possible.

Their mom asked if I would drive her home. Her house was just down the street from mom and her brother lived in the opposite direction. I remember feeling absolutely nervous but calm at the same time. Because I had to face the reality regardless. So I “took it with stride.” as they would say. We had a nice conversation about my job and their life in Texas. Of course the constant questions about my personal well being with work and school were continually asked. The judgement. The harsh judgement. The reason why they lied so much. The reason why there were so many secrets. Yes the judgement hurts and it could have been from anybody. But I chose to be where I am at in my life. For some reason I feel that I have so much time to go forward with in the my life and that I can make up for it later on. It’s a weird feeling. I constantly thinking in my head that I don’t want to die. It’s not that I am afraid of dying but the fact that I don’t want to miss out on anything. I want to go continue tk learn and see new things.

However the car ride ended and she gave me a 20 and thanked me. She gave me a hug and then she said, “we just won’t tell my husband about this.” And with that I was shocked. She was keeping secrets just like how they were keeping secrets from them. It was a complete circle. It was a wow moment for me. But I carried on and said yes ma’am and minded my business..

From the very first day I saw them in the hospital, I instantly became selfless. My needs did not matter. My wants, my feelings, my anything did not matter. Because they were in the most vulnerable state possible. I gave my all to them. And to others who needed a little help from me. I gave what I could. But I still held my distance. It had been a full year since I had seen them. A full year of living completely different lives after so many together. I offered and step in to where it was appropriate. I knew my place and it was to the side. Yet they made me feel so much more worthy. Both sides of the family. When their mom hugged me in the hallway and asked I had enough time to say goodbye, it really meant so much to me. That after the car ride and there in secret with the whispers, she still asked if my needs were met. Again, I was met with a wow factor.