I'll Be Just Fine

I have been doing pretty well, looking at myself from the outside in. From the depression I was in, I am more able to keep myself from going into that "hole." Before I would feel it just slightly and I keep see myself slip if I let myself. And sometimes I would allow myself to. Sometimes it is ok to let go and cry to get it out of your system. But since I put in black and white of everything that happened, I have been doing better. They say time heals, and to be honest they are right.

I think about my life and reflect all that has happened to me. Everyone on the outside, just sees me as a walking sad story. And as much as I can sit here and say I don't care what others think, its just not true. It has made me go into my shell even further. Bu thats fine. I will be what human nature craves, the drama. Ill be the walking sad story.

There isn't a day that I would take it back. I don't regret much. Because in that moment in time, I wanted it. And without those decisions, then I wouldn't have experienced the greatest experience, that I think I will ever have, in my life. I would like to think that I should say that when ever I have children but I don't see that in my future at all to be honest. And that is perfectly fine. I will have a lot of nieces and nephews to fill that void for me. But to have experience love, is what some people have gone a life time without knowing. It is in our nature to want it. To yearn for it.

As much pain as it has caused me, I am still grateful. Love makes us fools huh? The experiences I have gone through, anyone else on the outside would not use the words grateful. They would be filled with anger and hate. But don't get me wrong, I for sure have those feelings as well. I am not completely blinded.

Every time I watch the movie Crazy Rich Asians, I have the same feeling come over me each time. How much it related to my relationship. The never going to be enough and the expectations they had on him. So like them, we lived a lie for years to fulfill our happiness. That love that the main characters had for one another is exactly what I had.

I think what messes with my head the most is that his brother told me that he wanted to come and talk to me shortly before his passing. I very much believe that some people need to fall apart to come back together is some sense. But I can not sit here and explain that to anyone because that is something that can not be explained. What goes on in someone relationship is between them and them only.

Who knows. Maybe I am too nice. Too generous. A fool. But he was different. I will never find another like him. Thats the most honest thing I can say.

But what I have come to terms with is that I will probably never have children. And if I don't find another person to love then that is fine too. Of course I will be lonely. But not totally lonely because I will be surrounded by the ones I love and positivity. But in all honesty, I have been through the most hurt I can when it comes to a significant other and love, that nothing much more can hurt me than what I have gone through. It is the simple truth.

I don't look for sympathy. That is why I do not tell my story often. I will be judged by my feelings and thoughts regardless. I will just let people assume what my story really is.


I will continue on and find other things that will make me happy and put a smile on my face.


Because I will be just fine.