Here’s to Hoping
Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. Just like any person who comes to this age, especially a woman, we dread for it. We take a step back and remember how when we were younger and would think, “30?! You’re old!” And a small part of me still dreads it. I remember thinking on the drive home last night, “30. I could be half way through my life cycle right now. Will I live longer? Shorter? What have I done so far in “half of my life,” that is worth it. Did I waste it?” So many questions and what if’s. I used to always say, I do not regret anything. Because in that moment of time, I wanted it. They say if you want something then take it.
However, there are things that I wish that I had taken a different path. Alternative route. As I scroll through Netflix and see these shows where are kids graduating high school, I think to myself, “man I wish I can redo high school.” Because it was early on that I realized how loyal I am. My high school years were spent pretty much drowning in my boyfriend at the time. He was a home body and of course I wanted to be with him all the time. So I stayed home too. I remember when I was living with him and his mom, his mom said to me, “Katelin you are always down to go anywhere at any time. We could go to Marshall’s and Ross and you wouldn’t care either way. You go with the flow.” As much as I can say that I “go with the flow,” if I were to be honest, it was more of a respect thing. She was driving and I am not going to tell her no. But still I wanted to go. Get out. Go see things. Him, not so much. Any way, I just wish that that day when I was sitting down on the couch, and he was in his room jacking off, I wish I had made that decision to go. I wanted to break up. I wasn’t happy. It wasn’t that I wasn’t treated right, but I wish it was better. It was almost 8 years of my life. From 14 to 21. That’s like... everything. Yet I can. Hardly remember it at all. There was a point after we broke up that I forgot what he looked like. I think in that time of “grief,” I chose to forget a lot of those 8 years.
But how would I done things differently. I would have different friends. Different experiences. More memories.
As I typed that, I felt selfish. Because out of it, I did have good friends. Friends that I am still close with today. We spend holidays and home comings together. So you see, I go back and forth. I guess what I am saying is I wish I had a more of a high school experience.
But I am done. As much “fun” I had in my 20s, I had extreme downs. 21 was my first heart break. 27 was my second and worst heart break. 28 is when I lost, what I can honestly say, was the love of my life. I think I had the most fun between ages 28-29. I wanted distraction so I flew to see my friends any chance I got, drank any time I could and smoked. It’s not that I was not trying to be the “angelic Katelin,” that most people know me by (besides my mouth,) it was just cause there are so many thoughts going through my mind, I didn’t want to stop moving. I also was and currently still am, very depressed about living at home. As much as I love California, and how much money I make, I am still at home. Therefore, there is the constant, “Where are you going? Who’s car is that? Who did you go with?” I can’t have my friends over to drink without an embarrassment or more questions being asked. I want to thrive and date. I want to be able to bring someone home and chill or fuck. I mean why not? Yea I will regret it later and think how could I let someone I barely know fuck me but ok fine. Let it happen. Let me have those experiences that everyone else has. Instead I’m at hotels or their car shop. I am not saying I want to be like everyone else. I am saying I see myself changing and it’s hard to hold back.
What I am saying is that I am ready to move on. To possibly date. To like again. To have attention. I just want attention. Make me feel even better about myself. I am ready for a routine. I want to do things in a whim but also have my own shit and do stupid middle age shit people do. I yearn for it all so so badly. And I just can’t living at home.
Anyway, back from that depression. I am ready for a new decade of life. A start over if you will. I don’t think of 30 being old. I am still young. There are a lot of people out there that are just beginning their lives just now like me. Had our “fun” and now ready to chill out. Follow the expectations that life keeps reminding us with every new tv show, magazine, talks with grandma during holidays. I am ready to start again. Not over. Again.
I am ready to leave the 20s behind.
I am ready to be in old routines.
I am ready for new like.
I am ready for new love.
I am ready to have my own place.
I am ready to spill my love to my nephew.
I am ready for children.
I am ready for less mistakes.
I am ready to take care of myself more.
I am ready to rest my mind.
I am ready to not look at the past so much.
I am ready to learn.
I am ready to leave depression.
I am ready to leave sadness.
I am ready to be be 30.
However, there are things that I wish that I had taken a different path. Alternative route. As I scroll through Netflix and see these shows where are kids graduating high school, I think to myself, “man I wish I can redo high school.” Because it was early on that I realized how loyal I am. My high school years were spent pretty much drowning in my boyfriend at the time. He was a home body and of course I wanted to be with him all the time. So I stayed home too. I remember when I was living with him and his mom, his mom said to me, “Katelin you are always down to go anywhere at any time. We could go to Marshall’s and Ross and you wouldn’t care either way. You go with the flow.” As much as I can say that I “go with the flow,” if I were to be honest, it was more of a respect thing. She was driving and I am not going to tell her no. But still I wanted to go. Get out. Go see things. Him, not so much. Any way, I just wish that that day when I was sitting down on the couch, and he was in his room jacking off, I wish I had made that decision to go. I wanted to break up. I wasn’t happy. It wasn’t that I wasn’t treated right, but I wish it was better. It was almost 8 years of my life. From 14 to 21. That’s like... everything. Yet I can. Hardly remember it at all. There was a point after we broke up that I forgot what he looked like. I think in that time of “grief,” I chose to forget a lot of those 8 years.
But how would I done things differently. I would have different friends. Different experiences. More memories.
As I typed that, I felt selfish. Because out of it, I did have good friends. Friends that I am still close with today. We spend holidays and home comings together. So you see, I go back and forth. I guess what I am saying is I wish I had a more of a high school experience.
But I am done. As much “fun” I had in my 20s, I had extreme downs. 21 was my first heart break. 27 was my second and worst heart break. 28 is when I lost, what I can honestly say, was the love of my life. I think I had the most fun between ages 28-29. I wanted distraction so I flew to see my friends any chance I got, drank any time I could and smoked. It’s not that I was not trying to be the “angelic Katelin,” that most people know me by (besides my mouth,) it was just cause there are so many thoughts going through my mind, I didn’t want to stop moving. I also was and currently still am, very depressed about living at home. As much as I love California, and how much money I make, I am still at home. Therefore, there is the constant, “Where are you going? Who’s car is that? Who did you go with?” I can’t have my friends over to drink without an embarrassment or more questions being asked. I want to thrive and date. I want to be able to bring someone home and chill or fuck. I mean why not? Yea I will regret it later and think how could I let someone I barely know fuck me but ok fine. Let it happen. Let me have those experiences that everyone else has. Instead I’m at hotels or their car shop. I am not saying I want to be like everyone else. I am saying I see myself changing and it’s hard to hold back.
What I am saying is that I am ready to move on. To possibly date. To like again. To have attention. I just want attention. Make me feel even better about myself. I am ready for a routine. I want to do things in a whim but also have my own shit and do stupid middle age shit people do. I yearn for it all so so badly. And I just can’t living at home.
Anyway, back from that depression. I am ready for a new decade of life. A start over if you will. I don’t think of 30 being old. I am still young. There are a lot of people out there that are just beginning their lives just now like me. Had our “fun” and now ready to chill out. Follow the expectations that life keeps reminding us with every new tv show, magazine, talks with grandma during holidays. I am ready to start again. Not over. Again.
I am ready to leave the 20s behind.
I am ready to be in old routines.
I am ready for new like.
I am ready for new love.
I am ready to have my own place.
I am ready to spill my love to my nephew.
I am ready for children.
I am ready for less mistakes.
I am ready to take care of myself more.
I am ready to rest my mind.
I am ready to not look at the past so much.
I am ready to learn.
I am ready to leave depression.
I am ready to leave sadness.
I am ready to be be 30.
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