Let the Guilt Settle

Surprisingly I had an ok day. I was down at first but then got up and had a pretty normal day. Almost to the point, and probably at the point, of feeling guilty about it. But I made a decision that I will not give more energy than I need to give to this day. I want to celebrate him.

This was by far the worst day of my life. Those thoughts and feelings I had 2 years ago was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I wish I could go back on that day and give myself a hug. But I knew I was going to be ok. I was surrounded by my closest friends. Our family that we had become apart of and stuck together through the years. There was so much love.


So I will wait for his birthday next month, and spread happiness to myself. Lift myself up. Continue on.


I will continue to search for more songs and quotes that express how I am feeling since I can not find the words. And I probably will for the rest of my life. It’ll always hang over me. But that’s fine. I will be fine. It just shows myself that I still miss him as much as I did from the start of this journey. My feelings have not changed in that area. That love has not shifted or drifted.

That’s how I know it was real.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Near Miss

I never know where to begin with these. It’s always me with a thought and then sitting in one spot for a long moment to figure out how to put that thought into words.  Today is your birthday and since you went away I always said that I would make this day into a celebration. Celebrate your life and try not to be sad. It's only been 2 years but I feel that it has become easier. But easier cause I forced myself to move on. There was a time at the beginning where I knew I was getting into a hole and starting to slip. Sometimes I would let myself slip because it's OK to cry to let out the emotions ever so often. But since there, I tell myself, "OK you need to stop doing this and move on." Like in the back of my mind I thinking it's fucked up. Like how can I who loved someone so much, possibly never find another, say, "hey stop it. Go do this. Go do that. It's just another day." But I have to. Am I too real of a person? Does it show that my intelligence i...
Read more

If Only

"You don't just give up on the ones your love." I'd give almost anything right now to run, grab, hug and kiss you. So tight.  No matter how mad I was to you. What we had, I may not ever have again. It was passionate. It was real. When it was just us and in the moment, that was it. Just us. Nothing mattered. Truly like what you read in poems.  It was love.  Still is.  I have let go of you and moved on but that doesn’t mean my love has ended. That’s why I write here.  I miss you babes. So much. So fucking much. 
Read more