When I Can’t Find the Words

“I take great care of my self by carefully shutting myself away.” -Vincent Van Gogh

“You don’t know about real loss. Because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself.” -Goodwill Hunting

“ You’ll have bad times. But that’ll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren’t paying attention to.” -Goodwill Hunting
-It is a wake up call. Do not take things for granted.

“You have to die a few times before you can really live.”
-Circa now.

“If you think loving her was hard, try forgetting her.”
-I did with the first one. I never will with my latest. Ever.

“There are lots of things that I used to be and am no longer. And there are lists of things that I never thought I’d be that I unexpectedly am.”
-Never have I ever thought I would be where I am now. Never thought I could be this strong and calm. So calm.

“Of course I loved him. You don’t give people you don’t love the power to destroy you.”



“How do you know she loves you?
Because she knows the worst thing about me and it’s ok.” -Meet Joe Black
-If I am able to tell someone the worst things about myself, then I have become most vulnerable. I have no trusted to and made you my best friend.


“Sometimes it shines. Sometimes it rains. Sometimes you’re still the same.” - E.Russell
-I have normal days and then I have days where just the thought sends me over. But I always end up back to where I was. That is the constant. That is the same.

“Sometimes distance is the only way to find peace.”
-The best way for me to cope is to get away. Go somewhere I haven’t been before. Learn. Keeping my mind occupied. That’s all I have been doing for the past years. Constantly on the go. That’s how I am making my peace. Is filling the hurt with new and happy memories.

“Why did you dive so deep into someone else soul and you forget yours?” -Dika Agustin
-With my first long term relationship, I said that their happiness was my own. From then on I made a promise to not put someone else before me unless they were my husband and or child. Especially as a woman, I had lost who I was and was disappointed in myself. But sometimes we have to go through certain motions to realize what is really important to us. Cause someone telling me sometimes just isn’t enough.

“Imagine finding both love and friendship in one person.”
-I think that is the biggest challenge. Is that the two most memorable relationships I was in, they were my best friend. I don’t want to have to hide. I want for both to put in everything anytime and all the time. Because I always will. That is my biggest weakness.

“The proverb is wrong. Time does not heal all wounds. It merely softens the pains and blurs memories.”
-I am more than certain this pain will always live with me. Because at any given moment I can stop, think of you, and just cry like I had just lost you today.

“Once the heart gets too heavy with pain, people don’t cry. They just turn silent. Completely silent.”
-I couldn’t have said it better. It is very unfortunate. I can’t explain why I do what I do. I just do. Sometimes it’s not best for someone to open up or let it all out. I know I can go to the bathroom at work, give a good cry and go straight back to work like nothing happened. If that isn’t a trait of being strong, then I don’t know what it. Thank god for friends.

“It’s sad when someone asks her, “Who hurt you?” she says “the one who made me laugh the most.”
-Whether he walked away or left me, it’s all the same. I live to laugh all the time. Take that away from me and I just am.

“Why do you always listen to music so loud?” “To silence the loud thoughts inside me.”
-They’re always there. It’s ok. I am not mentally unstable. I can just hide very well. And know when I am not ok. I am ok.

“I’ve been hurt to the core. That’s what makes me fearless. Nothing scares me anymore.”
-There was a period after he passed that I was not afraid of anything. There were plenty of times when I should have been more than scared. But I couldn’t explain why I wasn’t. That’s what scared me the most.

“A good friend once told me, “I can love you and still let you go.””

“The thing you are most afraid to write. Write that.”
-In my case, it is what I’m most afraid to say. So I write it.


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