A Near Miss

I never know where to begin with these. It’s always me with a thought and then sitting in one spot for a long moment to figure out how to put that thought into words. 

Today is your birthday and since you went away I always said that I would make this day into a celebration. Celebrate your life and try not to be sad. It's only been 2 years but I feel that it has become easier. But easier cause I forced myself to move on. There was a time at the beginning where I knew I was getting into a hole and starting to slip. Sometimes I would let myself slip because it's OK to cry to let out the emotions ever so often. But since there, I tell myself, "OK you need to stop doing this and move on." Like in the back of my mind I thinking it's fucked up. Like how can I who loved someone so much, possibly never find another, say, "hey stop it. Go do this. Go do that. It's just another day." But I have to. Am I too real of a person? Does it show that my intelligence is greater than my emotion? I don't know. I know it's best for me mentally. I just feel fucked up about it. 

The other day, I got to the urge to watch The Age of Adaline. The movie came out in 2015 and ever since I always said that I would name my first daughter Adaline. I love the name so much. But that movie had a lot of meaning to me. It starts off in San Francisco. My favorite city. The first city that you  and I would go and explore first together. He would tell me that he used to live there with his father. And there was a time his dad didn't pay the electric bill once so that he could get a Nintendo console I think it was. I barely know Sam Francisco. But how can I love something I barely know? Well just like any love story, you don’t really know all of them do you? It is the same. I have my whole life to continue to love it. 

The story then continues on and she is a woman, who in a freak accident, does not age. So under a false identity she works in the city library and records. She was born on New Year’s Day. New Year’s Day is my favorite holiday. I’ve always loved it because to me, it’s like everyone’s birthday. A new year and beginning for everyone. Most people are happy. I love that aspect of the holiday. 

The movie flashes back to her life long ago. She falls in love with a man and before she meets with him, she sees that he has an engagement ring. He was going to propose. But she couldn’t get out of the car to give him that chance because she can not explain why she can’t. This part just flashes back to 2016. You and I were happy. So happy. You had just graduated from college. People were telling me that you were talking about proposing to me. Word that you talked to my parents. Stating you didn’t have a ring. They said I wouldn’t care and that a band would be just fine. But we never got to that point. You decided to take another path. In the movie, she meets that man who was going to propose to her later on in life. She falls in love with his son unknowingly. He became an astrologer and named a comet after her. He said that the comet would be the closest any comet has come to earth in years. He calls it a near miss. A near miss. That’s how I feel.

Or when your brother had told me at the end you wanted to talk to me again. You knew you had made a mistake. But you were too afraid to talk to me. But the fact that I know that you were THAT close to talking to me. Weeks before you went to the hospital. Weeks. Fucking weeks. That’s a movie. Young love turns into hard love, then you lose your way, then realizing you want to come back, then you leave. 

Who knows how things would have turned out. 

The movie just goes on where she refuses love. She knows she can’t. She makes it to where she can’t be put into a position to love again. I feel I do the same. It hurts. Yes I am willing to do it again. But to find another.. that’s hard. I’ve accepted how I think my life will be. Alone. But I have my family to help me. I will however always yearn. That feeling to fill that empty hole. But I just continue to ignore it. Cause I’m the end I know I will be just fine. 

Point of all this, that movie with my favorite city San Francisco, my favorite holiday New Years, the sad being an astronomer because I love the stars and the name of the comet and how it’s a near miss. All of it. 

Who knew that movie from 2015 would be relatable years later. 

My heart will always ache. A dull ache even. Whether I feel it or not. Whether I forget about it for a moment or for a few days. Or if those days become months. I have constant reminders of you everywhere. You were my best friend. The best of it all. You were THEE most alive person I had ever met. That’s what made me fall in love with you. I wish that I can live my life like that. But I lived my life through you. 

It is 11:12 right now. I think that was the time you were born. 

Happy birthday babes. I miss you. I love you.