New Years Eve

I never know where to begin with these. It’s always me with a thought and then sitting in one spot for a long moment to figure out how to put that thought into words.  Today is your birthday and since you went away I always said that I would make this day into a celebration. Celebrate your life and try not to be sad. It's only been 2 years but I feel that it has become easier. But easier cause I forced myself to move on. There was a time at the beginning where I knew I was getting into a hole and starting to slip. Sometimes I would let myself slip because it's OK to cry to let out the emotions ever so often. But since there, I tell myself, "OK you need to stop doing this and move on." Like in the back of my mind I thinking it's fucked up. Like how can I who loved someone so much, possibly never find another, say, "hey stop it. Go do this. Go do that. It's just another day." But I have to. Am I too real of a person? Does it show that my intelligence i...

Surprisingly I had an ok day. I was down at first but then got up and had a pretty normal day. Almost to the point, and probably at the point, of feeling guilty about it. But I made a decision that I will not give more energy than I need to give to this day. I want to celebrate him. This was by far the worst day of my life. Those thoughts and feelings I had 2 years ago was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I wish I could go back on that day and give myself a hug. But I knew I was going to be ok. I was surrounded by my closest friends. Our family that we had become apart of and stuck together through the years. There was so much love. So I will wait for his birthday next month, and spread happiness to myself. Lift myself up. Continue on. I will continue to search for more songs and quotes that express how I am feeling since I can not find the words. And I probably will for the rest of my life. It’ll always hang over me. But that’s fine. I will be fine. It just shows my...

“I take great care of my self by carefully shutting myself away.” -Vincent Van Gogh “You don’t know about real loss. Because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself.” -Goodwill Hunting “ You’ll have bad times. But that’ll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren’t paying attention to.” -Goodwill Hunting -It is a wake up call. Do not take things for granted. “You have to die a few times before you can really live.” -Circa now. “If you think loving her was hard, try forgetting her.” -I did with the first one. I never will with my latest. Ever. “There are lots of things that I used to be and am no longer. And there are lists of things that I never thought I’d be that I unexpectedly am.” -Never have I ever thought I would be where I am now. Never thought I could be this strong and calm. So calm. “Of course I loved him. You don’t give people you don’t love the power to destroy you.” “How do you know she loves you? Because she knows the...

The past couple of months have been so interesting to me. As I continue to move on, I find myself getting more and more accepting of what has happened. And I feel completely guilty of it. How can I say that he was the love of my life, my best friend and that I’m “ok” with it now? There is no doubt in my mind that I will always grieve him. I can talk about him with most people pretty comfortably and be ok with it. Because I would want his memory to live on. I mean we were together for nearly 6 years. Together with me and my family, living in our home. We all have memories. But then there are times where I can barely think of him and I fall to pieces. I just find it interesting how in one moment I am ok with it and the next I can’t bare the thought. Is this part of grieving? They say everyone grieves differently. I just find my situation so unique. I am the girl that was at his side for so long. Every knew who we were as a couple. Then a year after we split he is gone. What kind of p...

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. Just like any person who comes to this age, especially a woman, we dread for it. We take a step back and remember how when we were younger and would think, “30?! You’re old!” And a small part of me still dreads it. I remember thinking on the drive home last night, “30. I could be half way through my life cycle right now. Will I live longer? Shorter? What have I done so far in “half of my life,” that is worth it. Did I waste it?” So many questions and what if’s. I used to always say, I do not regret anything. Because in that moment of time, I wanted it. They say if you want something then take it. However, there are things that I wish that I had taken a different path. Alternative route. As I scroll through Netflix and see these shows where are kids graduating high school, I think to myself, “man I wish I can redo high school.” Because it was early on that I realized how loyal I am. My high school years were spent pretty much drowning in my boyfriend at t...

To me. Here’s to me.